Tuesday, March 19, 2013

The Elusive Authorwannabeus: A David Attenborough Special


"Look look! We've spotted her! The elusive 'Emily' -- a member of the bespectacled Authorwannabeus species! She was tagged months ago by a research team from the Iowa Writers' Workshop but has eluded detection ever since! Hurrah!

My guide has just informed me that 'Emily' is at work on novel #2 and is preparing to enter a self-imposed literary hibernation. She's already been noticeably absent from her favourite brunch habitats, apparently, and her blog, barring a whiny rant now and then, has been all but abandoned. Goodness me! Aren't we lucky to catch a glimpse!

Now let's try to get a bit closer. Careful now. We don't want to scare her off. Authorwannabeuses are notoriously skittish, not to mention highly defensive when it comes to their work.

Oh my -- look at those haunches! She's already put on the excess weight she believes is required to get her through the long, hard, lonely months ahead. Interesting fact: Unlike the brown bear (Ursus arctos), the Authorwannabeus eats throughout her period of hibernation. In fact, she consumes rather a lot, often binging on corn chips and generic Swedish Berries. Simply fascinating creature.

Wait, what's this? She's doing something! She's... No! Could we really be so lucky? She is! She is banging her head against the keyboard! This is the stuff of Authorwannabeus legend -- a tall tale told by barristas and librarians, but never before documented on film! What a day this has been for science!"

Thursday, March 14, 2013

The Matrix vs. Tron and WTF this has to do with writing

It's so easy to erase some things. Yesterday, for instance, I accidentally deleted a blog post. I published the thing, went to edit it later when I noticed a typo and -- oops -- hit "delete" instead of "edit." And it was gone. Instantly. Like it never existed.

And then today. And this is going to be a bit gross so read on at your own peril. Today I got a mole removed. Two hours in my dermatologist's office and that fleshy chocolate chip that's been annoying me since I could wear a bra was excised from my back.

I wish it was that easy with my creative turmoil; that all the emotional baggage I'm holding onto over my work could get lopped off or deleted and be sent far away to some mole lab or the Matrix or wherever deleted blog posts go.... The Grid maybe? Hell, I don't know. Hey Keanu! Why don't you and that guy, that Tron actor guy, fight it out and get back to me?


What's that, Keanu? Thanks to me you'll never be able to eat a chocolate chip cookie ever again? Puh-leese. Aren't you The One or whatever? Shouldn't you be able to like BE a chocolate chip?